apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Mom said you looked used
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
