Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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