I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I think my moral compass just broke
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
