they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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