I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
