Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
