just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
