You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
