captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
