My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
