So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
