No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
