In the future we'll all be gay
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Someone stole a lamp last night.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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