God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Everything about him screamed your future.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
