Sry I called you an 8
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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