I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
