I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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