I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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