Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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