sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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