next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
