I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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