Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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