OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
