i need an iv and a liver transplant
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
