Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
