I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
