Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I am available for nakedness
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
