I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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