And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
There are leaves in my underwear?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
