you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
