i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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