My friends, they love my intelligence
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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