All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
