Hey man sorry I got all grabby
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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