I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
