just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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