...so i touched it.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
