They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
