fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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