I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
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