she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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