capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
