Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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