My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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