i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
