Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
