So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
