She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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