Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Mom said you looked used
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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