Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
