my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
